~May Your Light Shine :D~

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

It's been refreshing to be back home and to be able to deeply think about the real mess I've made of myself over the past 6 months, especially in college. Being there, you really gte plenty of freedom to do what you want to do, especially with my parents being 5 hours away from wrangling my neck. Bottomline, I've been distracted. Not only am I facing massive problems with studies, but I'm feeling lukewarm towards God right now. I feel its better to be back struggling with porn, than to lose my first love, Jesus. At least when you're fighting something, you feel God's LOVE more and more. But what if it doesn't prick your heart anymore?? What if your heart grows Stone Cold, and you incapable of loving God anymore. Because (Loving God= Loving People as they are), I'm losing my spark. I always believed that the thing that mades me different from the world, is that I love everyone, and try to see always the best in them. But now, I become, impatient, irritable, angry, foul mouthed. And I tried to remedy it. Most people would try prayer and forgiveness, but I forgot. You see, I became rapidly popular among the college community, especially among the girls, and I admit, it really got to my head. I don't know why, but I just went after every girl I could. So unlike my old self. Terrible me. I think I should admit I went after almost 6 or 7 girls in these months, so I should feel a little guilty about it. Undoubtably, I forsook my studies. I thought I could mug close to the exams and everything would be alright. Well, I was stupid. Even during study week, I played around and now I'm regretting it. Chemistry is Doomed, and Math probabaly as well. God saved my neck in Bio. Now, I probably flunked my first Semester, and if I do, its curtains for my Medical dreams. The extent of the damage will only be known on Dec 3. God help me!! I'm sorry I didn't come to you when I should have, I was proud, so proud. I thought I could fix it myself, while I put You in the back seat. Now I've driven myself into the middle of nowhere. Please God, I'm not even worthy of it, but help clean this mess for me God. Amen. (Typical behaviour of people, the Search for something more makes someone put God behind, and think they're the best.)

PolarTwilight blogged at 11:36 AM

May your light shine...
in the darkness...